There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
organizing the empties. That sober.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
