the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
