I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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