Your dad touched me again.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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