Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
