I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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