I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
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