I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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