Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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