she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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