She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
