Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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