Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
