I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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