Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
