Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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