sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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