well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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