Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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