life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
