I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
