If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
