either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Best friends brother. Beat that.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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