No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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