I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We have so much sex to catch up on
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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