I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
