Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
