When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
