I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
