dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
