He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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