I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
