Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
