my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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