Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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