I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
