Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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