i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This is classic penis vs brain.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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