this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
