i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There's always time for handjobs
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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