Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
