Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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