If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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