Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just had sex on a roof
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
