clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
