why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
