1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
