i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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