I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
