Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
