yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
