i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
